What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
My wife and I had a huge argument about who will do the laundry. Eventually, I folded.
I do not mean to brag, but cashiers always check me out.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
What did one wall say to the other?
I’ll meet you at the corner.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
I’m starting a new dating service in Prague. It’s called Czech-Mate.
I hated my new haircut. Then it grew on me.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together!
What’s Forrest Gump’s Facebook password?
I hate spelling mistakes. You mix up two letters and your whole joke urined.
What happens when a frogs car dies?
He needs a jump. If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got back home he only did #1, #3 and #5. Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
If a woman says she will be ready in 15 minutes, there is no need to remind her every 30 minutes.
Why did the math book look so sad?
Because of all of its problems!
As I was getting to bed, she told me “you are drunk”. How did you know, I asked. She said “you live next door!”